Who Are You?

Published on February 11th, 2015

This is a true story.

I recently witnessed a dancer in a local strip club insert a chocolate candy bar into her vagina. Her feminine parts then appeared to gobble it up, swallow it, and—get this—spit it back out on the dance floor, all while popping, dropping, and keeping up with the beat of the new Usher song “I Don’t Mind.”

I love Atlanta.

Call it what you want, but I say that everybody has some kind of gift that they can use to make it in this world. Not everybody can do the candy bar coochie dance. Some will try, though. So I’m making a prediction: Now is the time to invest in stock options with Monistat cream because a whole slew of women who witnessed that candy bar trick will go home and give themselves yeast infections while trying to emulate that circus feat, and then vaginal suppository medication sales will triple.

I will not be one of those women. But why?

Well, the answer to that is super simple. I try not to judge people and have nothing against dancers and candy bars, but I am so glad that I know who I am and what my talents are. I am a writer (among many other things, but we’ll just stick to this one fact for now). It’s not glamorous. There’s not a lot of money to be made between the pages of a book. It’s not sexy or even exciting to some. But it is, I’m convinced, one of the things that my Creator has called me to be. And that fact gives me a lot of peace and satisfaction. Matter fact, I kind of like being a nerd.

Let’s move it away from candy bars and nerds though, and look at another example of being both gifted and true to oneself. Although Picasso experienced difficulty selling them at the time, the art he produced during his “blue period” has become his most popular and well-sought after work. He was depressed, I’ve been told, after the death of a dear friend and while traveling through Europe. He didn’t paint those pictures in efforts to become famous. He painted because he was an artist who was feeling blue. He had a natural aptitude to create visual aesthetics. He did what he was, and he was what he did. But what if Picasso had betrayed his talents and tried to be a teacher, preacher or fireman? Then the world would have missed out on all those pretty blue pictures he painted. There might have been a few more children out here that can’t read or add. There probably would have been a least a couple more unsaved souls out here cutting up. And we probably also would have seen some more shit burn up with uncontained fires. But I digress.

Who are you and why are you here? Are you stuffing candy bars up your ass when you should be painting pictures or perhaps even working in a laboratory and developing a cure for cancer? You should figure that out soon. I can’t do what you were put here to do. The world needs you.

I wonder what would happen if everybody stopped trying to be somebody else and just embraced and refined their own gifts. And if it’s twerking on chocolate, then so be it. To let his song tell it, Usher “don’t mind” either.


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